You Need to Read Your Bible

I'm really tired of this phrase I've heard many Christian leaders say, "for those of you who don't spank/don't believe in spanking, you need to read your bibles." This statement makes the assumption that the verses used to support spanking are absolute and only have one interpretation. How can these very same Christian leaders agree that other parts of scripture can be interpreted differently. You will hear them say about other scripture that "this is my belief or conviction regarding this passage." They say this about other theological debates; however, so many of them interpret scriptures about discipline to mean we must spank and that this is the only biblical way to truly raise a godly child.

The other part of this that bugs me: These same Christian leaders will harp on spanking being a godly form of discipline. However, then they will also go on and on about the glorious grace of God. I heard a sermon recently where the pastor praised people that as he said are "grace-people." I understood this to mean people that are not focused on the wrong doings of others but are rather focused on serving and obeying God because they love him not because they fear him. If we want our children to have that kind of respect for the authority of God don't we need to focus on discipling that kind of heart in every area of obedience?

I write this from the heart as a caution to those that would make such statements to the sheep of their flock.  I would guarantee that there is at least one family within your hearing that has chosen a different form of discipline.  They have not made this choice ignorantly.  I would venture to say that most have done some very serious bible study on the matter.  They are seeking to make a godly parenting decision. In my opinion, many of the Christian leaders that would preach that the bible teaches spanking as godly discipline have not truly searched out the meaning of the verses they would use to support their argument. They have read the verses and taken them at face value.  Whereas, I believe by far the majority of Christian parents deciding to use a gentle or grace-based approach to discipline, have done so after searching the scriptures for the truth.

So when I hear a teacher tell me that the bible teaches to spank my child, and that if I don't agree with that I need to read my bible.  I laugh inside knowing that I have read and reread and sought the true meaning of passages on discipline.  I know that I know that we are making the right decision for our family.  And I whole-heartedly believe it is a decision that pleases the Lord.

Daddy it's time for your spanking

Why do we have such a warped sense of our role as parent in our children's lives. It's as if many of the Christian authors set up the family as a physical image of the spiritual relationship with God.
The Father or head of the household is compared to God.
The Mother who is submitted to her husband and responsible for much of the guidance in a child' life is compared to the Holy Spirit.
Children are equated with sinners, fallen and in need of salvation.

On the surface this may see reasonable and even of the Lord. However, I very strongly believe this to be deception. Fathers and mothers are given the impression that they are responsible for the salvation of their children (maybe not the spiritual salvation, but the physical salvation or rescue from their horrible sinful nature so that they will be saved in spirit). Of course we cannot take responsibility for saving our children. We are not even called by God to do this. We are called to teach them by example what God's love is. Our lives should demonstrate in a physical way the immense love our Heavenly Father has for us.

I think it's a bit funny that if we look at the analogy that I started with in the beginning, these authors that write you must spank your children to restore them to right relationship (for them to receive forgiveness) seem to have forgotten something. If we are following the example of God, then the parents should be the ones being spanked. I mean Jesus paid the price of death for all our sins. If we follow this example then we should receive the punishment that our children "deserve." I wonder how many parents would buy that book.

Laboring Outside the Garden

When Adam and Eve were in the Garden, God provided everything for them.  They did not have to work or labor for anything.  When they sinned and broke the relationship with God, he cursed them.  No you will have to work for everything that you get.  God wanted to give them everything.  He wanted to bless them with his goodness.  However, when we allow sin to break that connection, God cannot continue to bless us.  he must cut us loose to fend for ourselves (so to speak - for everything still comes from God)/

The bible says, God desires to bless his children with gifts. (Romans 8:17, Matthew 7:7-11).

I see this so vividly in the parent-child relationship.  We want to give our children everything.  We want to bless them with good things, and we want to limit or eliminate their pain. When our children obey us and seek to please their parents, we have much joy in blessing them.  However, when our children disobey and displease us, we cannot bless them.

It's like this. God established a system of blessing obedience.  When the Israelites obeyed God's commands, he blessed them. They were successful in battle, their was rain on their lands, there were crops in their fields.  However, when the Israelites disobeyed God they removed themselves from his protection, provision, and ability to bless them.  Sin separates us from God. I don't believe God is looking down at us and saying "Hmmmm, who can I punish today."  I think rather God is delighting in the obedience of those following him, enjoying seeing them enjoy his blessings, his provision, and his presence.  I think those that choose to place themselves outside a relationship with God, are left to figure things out on their own.  God says ok, go ahead and labor in the land for yourself.  I'm over here with a plan when you are ready.

Maybe, these thoughts apply to an older child.  For we cannot allow a toddler to break the relationship and figure things out for themselves (at least not in all things - maybe in a few very small things).  But I do believe the same principle holds true.  Often times not heading the advice of parents will lead a child to experience negative natural consequences.  We cannot always protect our children from every unpleasant experience.  However, as they see us follow God and the blessings in our lives as a result of that relationship, they see us model that relationship with them, by giving them freedom (within reason of age and maturity) to make the choice to head our advice and direction or go their own way.  When they see these things from us they can hopefully be guided by the knowledge that their parents want the best for them, and the direction of their parents(which should be God's direction) is the best and most blessed choice to make.

I Love Being My Son's "Lovie"

What does my son need to feel safe and secure?  He doesn't reach for a pacifier or a blankie or even a special stuffed animal.  Instead he reaches for Mommy or Daddy.  When Kenton lays down to go to sleep at night, he makes sure Mommy and Daddy are with him.  He actually has a harder time settling down to fall asleep when Daddy has to be away for the evening.  Sure he likes to bring his trucks to bed or maybe his 'key' (a toy rake he found at the park and declared it was the key to the gate in his Dora video).  However, when all is said and done at night, we can take away the toys and as long as he has Mommy and Daddy to cuddle up to or wrap up in our arms, he's content and drifts peacefully off to sleep most nights.  

Yeah, it takes more of our time to get him to sleep this way (I believe he takes about as much time as any kid to actually fall asleep), but I love every minute.  I love that bedtime has become a beautiful special family time.  It's not a battle; ok sometimes he fights against brushing his teeth or saying our prayers.  But in the end, most every night is a fairly smooth transition from play time to bedtime. As Kenton drifts off to sleep, Ray and I have the opportunity to relax and quietly reflect on the day.  Then we have a little time to ourselves before we settle in and drift off to sleep ourselves.

What a beautiful picture of the relationship God desires to have with us.  He wants us to run to him, to allow him to wrap us up in his arms to feel secure and safe.  He desires for us to trust him completely for everything.  


Too often we seek safety and security in things of this world.  We strive for higher and higher education, so we can attain a higher and higher paying job, so we can surround ourselves with things. We pad our lives with pacifiers, blankies, and teddy bears, so that we think we are safe.  The problem comes when we inevitably lose our "security blanket" then we fall into despair. We feel lost and scared and confused because our safety is not wrapped up God. Only God can give us the true security in life.


Thank you Lord for providing me and my family with your loving arms to keep us safe and secure.  We trust you completely for all that we have in this world.

Expecting Obedience

I've been reading the Sears Parenting Library books since before Kenton was born.  More recently, I've read the discipline book.  I was really impressed with the statement that to be successful in guiding our children we must first expect them to obey.  That's a state of mind we must put ourselves into when dealing with our children.  It keeps us focused on the task - we are not trying to win a particular battle with them, but rather guiding them into how to be self-controlled, motivated, courteous, and productive adults.  For me, keeping this as my guiding principle when dealing with disciplining Kenton keeps me thinking outside the box for how to teach him to deal with his frustrations.

The second point that really strikes a chord with me is that attachment parented kids want to obey - they don't want to disappoint their parents.  Kenton is only 2 years old, but I see this principle clearly in his behavior.  He delights in doing the things that bring him praise from his mommy and daddy.  Just like any toddler, he tests the boundaries regularly; however, when he gets a negative response he often reacts with sadness.  Obviously sometimes he is upset that he was told no, but other times I perceive that he is genuinely saddened that he has done something mommy disapproves of.  I sense his desire to act in a way that is pleasing to mom and dad.  (Not to act in a way that avoids punishment).

Isn't this the relationship God desires with his children.  Doesn't he want obedience because we love and want to please him.  Not because we are afraid of hell or punishment if we disobey.  God blesses obedience and entrusts greater responsibility to those whom have proven themselves trustworthy through obedience in the small things.

What a beautiful picture it is to see the joy in my child's face when I praise him for doing the right thing.  I actually look for opportunities to catch him in the act of doing something good without being prompted (it happens here and there already).  I don't constantly look for disobedience and focus on all he does wrong.  When he acts in a way that is unacceptable (weather or not he has a good excuse i.e. illness, tired, hungry, bored), that behavior is corrected and dealt with.  Then we move on and go back to enjoying ourselves.

Bedtime

Recently, we made a little change in our bedtime routine.  Kenton was nursing to sleep while I rocked him in the rocking chair (I loved these moments to relax with him at night).  However, he stopped falling asleep while nursing, and it would turn into a bit of a battle to get him to fall asleep.  Ray and I decided to tweak bedtime and it has made a beautiful difference.  We started laying down together as a family.  We get ready for bed, lay down and say our prayers before turning out the lights.  Kenton nurses a little then we all close our eyes and Kenton usually falls asleep within about 30 minutes.  He may move around a bit and play with the prized toy that had to come to bed with us, but he stays very calm and knows that it’s time to relax.  Bedtime is a wonderful time of family togetherness and most nights a no-stress time.  (When mommy’s over-tired, sometimes she gets a little impatient with Kenton, but most of the time it’s a very relaxing time before Ray and I have a little adult time before going to sleep ourselves.)

Related to bedtime is a very cute story.  Shortly after we made this nighttime change, I started praying one night.  Our prayers are never very long, but this night I hadn’t said more than 2 or 3 words when Kenton said “Ah-meen.”  Ray and both had to hold back the laughs as Kenton looked at me smiled and laid down on the pillow ready for the next step towards bedtime.  Since that night, he attempts most nights to end the prayers early; however, he always joins with mommy and daddy to say Amen at the end each night.